A Hard Will

I was driving home after helping my friend take care of some stuff today and I was talking to myself in my car. Yes, talking. You know you do it, too. I was talking to myself and to Jesus about life and, the subject of my last note on here, satisfaction.

I've been praying very hard for God to lead me, direct me, speak to me, tell me what he wants me to do since I've had a lot of tough decisions to make lately that affect not only me but my wife, our unborn child, and our future. I want a good life for my family, you know. I want a big, delicious dinner every night and a comfortable bed and a hot shower. Not too much to ask for, right? Seriously, these have been things I've used to gauge God's will and direction in my life. "If I don't have a great dinner every night, maybe God is withholding something from me because I'm out of his will." Really. "I must be doing something wrong if my hot water has been turned off. Maybe God is trying to show me a mistake I've made." Don't laugh. We've all made foolish assumptions about God before.

We Christians want an easy life. But I'm realizing more and more now that no matter where we are, no matter what happens, no matter what job we have or what we're doing, life is hard. Life is always going to be hard and it will probably only get harder as time goes on, and that's just how it is. But now for the clincher: THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE OUT OF GOD'S WILL!

Just because we have struggles, nothing comes easily, everything we set our hand to is hard and troublesome doesn't mean God has left us or that we're living in sin and being punished for it or that we are out of God's will in any way. 'Tis the nature of life. Struggle, pain, hardship, suffering, discomfort, poverty, sacrifice. These things fill our lives. But so does the Holy Spirit.

Take a rich man from Beverly Hills and take a poor man from the slums of India. Which one does God love more? If they are both saved, is one favored over the other? No. They are simply called to different areas with different abilities, different futures, different everything, but God's will can be realized in them both equally. So why do we Christians -- WHY DO I -- so often determine the direction and will of God by what gives us the most material blessing and easiest life?

Joyce

I went to my home group church this morning. I am new there and don't really know many people, but the whole group has maybe 10-12 people in it and I like that. It's small and intimate. There was an old woman there this morning whom I had not met; she was a friend of one of the regular women who comes. During the prayer request/sharing time, she talked about how she felt she had nothing to live for and she didn't trust anyone and was afraid God had left her. She didn't know what God wanted her to do and felt she had no purpose to her life and future. She was depressed.

Instantly I felt connected with her, drawn to her, even encouraged by her.

It's refreshing for me to see people being real and honest, genuinely seeking connection with others and a closer relationship with God. I'm glad Joyce found an open, welcoming place this morning and that we prayed for her. This is what the body of Christ is about -- loving people, helping the wounded, blessing the tired and down-trodden.

The Joy of the Lord

Recently I have been wondering about the joy of the Lord and what it means to have joy. The joy of the Lord is our strength, so I've been told, but it's often hard to take that saying seriously, isn't it? Scripture says to work out our faith with fear and trembling, carefully, honoring God. This tells me that I am to figure out what I believe and why and to know exactly what I put my faith in so I'm not just blindly tootling through my Christian life, and this is what I've been trying to do for the past eight years.

At the beginning of this, I think I could say I had more of the joy of the Lord than I do now. The past four-five years have taken their toll, and understandably so; I've been through some of the worst, hardest trials of my life in the last four years. Still, there are Christians who face much worse hardship than this and they are some of the most joyful people in the world. What's wrong with me?

I've been working out my faith carefully with fear and trembling, and I think I've become too concerned with getting everything right. When I think of being joyful, I think of a child laughing and playing in the open air, happy just for life, completely carefree. But I'm not a child. I'm a grown adult with relationships and responsibilities and requirements pressing on me. I think I have to be right or else I'll be wrong and fail. If I fail, then I'm not being very responsible and therefore not a good steward of the responsibilities God has entrusted to me. It seems like I'm damned if I try to be responsible and damned if I'm carefree. Where is the joy of the Lord in this equation?

It will take me time to ponder this. I'm not really looking for an answer, but a conclusion would be nice.

Me and John

This is part of a conversation I had with my friend John today online (edited to retain coherency):

John says:

I watched Riligulous yesterday.

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What is that?

John says:

Bill Maher film about why religion is stupid.

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Was he right? Did he make any good points?

John says:

I had watched it beause I was curious and didn't want to walk around with a dissenting opinion on something I have not seen. Does he make good points.. I'm not sure. Of everything he touched upon I think what hit home the most was why people have faith. He asked someone why it's good to have faith in something without proof.

The guy said because God said so through the Bible.

I'm just not sure how I feel.

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"Because God said so through the Bible"..... *scoff* That's weak.

Faith provides us with hope of something that's better than what we see around us in this life.

Faith is being sure in what we do not see.

This is why I can respect other religions. People are naturally spiritual beings in hope of something higher and greater than this tangible, physical world.

I may not agree with their conclusions about the spiritual world, but I respect their efforts to believe and follow something greater than the physical realm.

Without spirituality, we are just what you see: flesh and emotions.

I'm sorry, but those things aren't worth living for.

If that's all there is in this life, I have no reason to live a good one.

John says:

True.

I find I have more questions now than 2 years ago, and I find myself growing more dissatisfied with the "Christians" around me.

It's frustrating at times.

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Dissatisfied -- how so?

John says:

Hypocritical, judgemental while throwing their stones from their glass houses, faulty logic.

I went to a youth and young adult evening a copule of weeks ago.

The guy who organized it told us it's better to get married right out of high school than to have pre-marital sex. I asked if that was a wise decision, seeing as how with merely a high school education the job options would be limited. He said that that doesn't matter, that it's all in God's hands.

I don't understand that. I find so much wrong with that.

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Well, I see where he's coming from. He's simply quoting scripture that says it's better to marry than to burn with passion. But he's not doing a very good job of applying it to our current society and lives.

John says:

Yes, ok, God has a plan and will provide for his people, but to get married just because you don' want to be labeled for having had pre marital sex... c'mon man.

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Yeah. You're right. He should have turned that into a sermon explaining the benefits and acceptability of masturbation in the Christians' life couple with self control and abstinence from lust and pornography.

Rather than promoting marriage too early, he could have promoted a happy medium.

John says:

yes, exactly.

the pastor said that God keeps most of us poor because he knows we can't handle money. But where does free will fall in? If I make the decision to invest in something that happens to sky rocket in 5 years and I'm a millionaire, is God going to try and make me poor because he thinks I have too much money?

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That's a good way of taking the blame off people for their immaturity and irresponsibility.

John says:

Yes, exactly. One of the members of the parish gave a sermon on why money is evil, and then they passed the plate.

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Do other people's sermons, beliefs, and hypocrisy affect your beliefs, your faith, or Jesus himself?

John says:

other people. It's the free will thing. It seems those around me think it only comes into play in certain circumstances. They forget that cliche story about the guy in a flood who prayed to be saved and turned down the helicopter and rowboat, only to find that it was God who sent them.

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Which isn't actually found in the Bible anywhere because I don't think they had helicopters in the ancient Middle East.

John says:

Ha!

Yes

Maybe I'm wrong. I always thought God gave us the handbook on how to live a good life and then kind of let us go in the playpen and let us decide on whether or not we want to follow him.

I just find it difficult to believe [in God/Jesus, the Bible, Christianity]. I wonder what the point is. Why would God create us and then set up a system where if we want to stick with him forever we have to believe that his son died for what we do wrong. We have free will, but what confuses me is if we don't follow his way, we'll pay for it forever. The way I see it is if

you're hanging off a building and holding on to the arm of the guy above you and there are daggers at the bottom if you let go, but if you hold on you have to follow the ways of the guy you're holding onto. That's not the best explanation but it's an idea of how I look at it. It's not really an option. Either follow this guy or be in pain forever.

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That's one way of looking at it, and I see what you're saying.

But what if the savior's way is to do whatever you want except jump into pits full of daggers?

It's pretty easy to live his way then, isn't it?

John says:

Yes, that's very true.

What if I want to believe and I try to, but when I die God sees I was trying to fool myself but never really had my heart in it? Is that a possibility?

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I suppose so.

But look at Genesis, John. Look at the Garden of Eden

God didn't say "don't do this or this or this, that, or this. If you do, you're going to hell."

He told Adam and Even to do whatever they wanted, except eat from that damn tree, which I still don't know why was there in the first place. That's a mystery to be solved after I die.

Anyway...

Even after they sinned, God made a way for them. He took care of them.

He found a way for them to be saved.

So let's apply that concept to our lives now.

Jesus doesn't have a list of rules for us to abide by. He says for us to do whatever we want because in his Spirit, we are free.

The only law is the law of love, for all the laws and prophets are summed up in love.

Do whatever is loving

Is this not a better way of life for all of humanity? The life of love?

John says:

Yes, yes it is. That tree baffles me too. At least put it out of reach, ya know? Can you tell he never had children before us? Put a big red button in front of a 12 year old and tell him not to press it and leave the room. I give him 8 seconds.

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Right

I don't have all the answers

but I don't think the church's concept of God or Christianity are entirely correct.

And by "the church" I mean the Western brand of Christianity we know today.

I don't know about the rest of the world

and I know that the true Church will be saved, yet many "Christians" will go to hell.

John says:

You're probably right.

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I think God allows a lot more freedom than we take him for. You know? And I think we're all at different levels in our faith, and God understands that. He doesn't expect a drug-addicted hobo to become Benny Hinn over night.

John says:

lol

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Sure, I do all those things now, but maybe in 10 years I won't.

Does that mean my faith is less genuine now because of it? I don't think so. It means everything is a process.

And it means that you're in the middle of this process, John.

John says:

That's a good way of looking at it. I've often wondered if our faith might be like a muscle. You know how when you work out, your muscle takes a beating an dies a little, but what it does is it forces it to come back stronger? Could faith be like that? We challenge what we believe and it pushes back harder?

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Absolutely

When I was in China, I felt all my faith had died.

Within 3 months, I was questioning everything I believed.

6 months later, I was growing again.

It was a major strain, but my faith is still here.

It changed, though, that's for sure. At least it stretched.

John says:

And you feel stronger than before you left?

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Yes, absolutely

John says:

Awesome.

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I AM stronger. No doubt.

The Crossroads

The last few months have been tough. My wife and I got married in Japan on October 4, 2009 and spent that month together, then I returned to the US with plans of returning to school and maybe getting into some teaching here since I was an ESL teacher in China for a year and I love that field and want to continue in this direction. We were under the assumption that my wife would come some months later and get a green card once I got established with a job and a house and all that is needed to support a small family. We already had all of this taken care of; I had a small job waiting for me when I returned and a home with some of my friends in Raleigh. Soon after moving to Raleigh, I met with an immigration officer and asked all kinds of questions about what is required for my wife to come into the country, get a green card, and start working. The officer was very polite and helpful (something I didn’t expect from a government agency) and gently let me know that it would be a 6-month process and cost a lot of money. I was ready to hear this, so I wasn’t too surprised.

In fact, in any normal situation, I would have been fairly accepting of this. But my wife is pregnant and due in July. Somehow during the month of October we spent together in Japan, she got knocked up and it turns out I’m the father. By the time my wife gets a green card to live in the US, the baby will be nearly due and she won’t be able to make the trip. This is not acceptable. That is my wife and my child over there and I need to be with them and I’m willing to sacrifice whatever I must to.

My plans of life in the US have been dashed against the rocks.

In a strange way, however, this is working out. After living here for four months, I’ve realized I can’t make enough money to support a wife and kid, much less working part-time while attending college. I would have felt worse bringing my family here only to go bankrupt and realize it was all a mistake. I can be a much better provider in Asia where I can make a lot more money and care for my family.

So I have a few teaching positions lined up for me in China. My wife has always wanted to live in another Asian country and I’m able to make the income needed to provide for a family there, so to China we shall go! Of course, this is how our plans are now. God has every right to change our direction as he sees fit and we shall oblige.

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Ever since returning to the US, I have been dealt one problem after another. Family, relationships, finances, job situations, living situations, schooling, everything has hit roadblocks, not met expectations, or has crumbled apart completely. Not everything has been hell for me -- a lot of good has come to me while being here, but the hardships seem to speak more sharply in my ear. I'm wondering now if this is God leading me. I'm not sure about that, but I am going where the going isn't so tough. Who would have thought it would be in a communist country?

The Wind and Clouds

I have long considered writing a blog, but never really got into it. I've tried here and there to write a few things, but never kept up with anything. I've been on Facebook for a long time, but it's no fun to blog on there because you and your whole family, all of my classmates, coworkers, bosses, church members, relatives, friends, friends' friends, and all of their friends are on there and I really don't want them all to read what I have to say. I don't want to be confronted after church one Sunday because I said a bad word in my blog or I sound like I'm losing my faith. I don't want my job to be in danger, either, if I mouth off about work one day and my boss reads it. So Facebook is out of the question for open, free blogging. So sad to see such a wonderful tool of expression and social connection actually hinder true expression and connection with people because of fear.

Nevertheless, I do want to share a piece of my mind and a good chunk of my heart with the world, so here I am. I've considered writing a book, but let's take baby steps first. This is a good one, I think. I'm a teacher at heart and in profession and, whether anything I say has true value or not, I feel I must say something, hoping somebody else is listening and learning. I'm twenty-five and at a major crossroads in my life at the moment and I want to document my proceedings from here on out, hoping whatever I say here will cast a guiding light for others or leave a trail of breadcrumbs so I can find my way back if I get lost.

Life is hard, crossroads are hard, this path is hard, but we press on toward a brighter, better future. That's why I named this blog "The Travail"; it's a journey full of pain and suffering, but this work will pay off in the end.

"He who observes the wind and waits for all conditions to be favorable will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap." Ecclesiastes 11:4

If we wait for life to be easy, we'll never get anything done. And that's the last time I'll quote scripture, I promise... maybe.